On the road (again)

If you know me, you know that what the going gets tough I tend to shut down and try to deal with things on my own. That’s why I haven’t been posting for the last week. My aunt and uncle moved up moving me out of their place by two weeks and it threw me into a state of panic. I still don’t know where I’m going to live yet come Feb 7 but I’m working on it. If anyone has a spare floor, couch, room or bed or knows of one anywhere in the US, please let me know.

This whole situation got me thinking about when I was a teenager and how my favorite album was (and probably still is) “Running on Empty” by Jackson Browne. Long before I went down the path of Jack Kerouac’s “On the Road” it was my first invitation to a restless life. Even as a very young boy, the world called out at me and I was eager to explore and discover as much as I could when I got the opportunity. As I found out in my post-college days, it’s not an easy life and one that’s filled with uncertainty and upheaval, but surprises and moments of wonderment that for me are worth the struggle.

All of this made me realize why I was mostly unhappy for the last decade. I realize that even though there were many good things that happened to me, I probably should have hit the road a long time ago. I lived in Toronto for over 20 years and in retrospect, as much as I will always love the city, I was going stale from a lack of adventure. This in turn was making me angry with myself and those around me. It’s no wonder I went through the disaster of the last couple years. The Gods were kicking my ass to move on. And so, here I am once more, not knowing what’s going to happen at least I feel alive. Something will happen. Something always does. It might not be what I expect, but it’s the way my life has been when I look back at the many experiences that I never planned for but was thankful for, nonetheless.

Which brings me back to the Jackson Browne album. It was a chronicle of a life performing on the road, recorded live on stage, backstage and in hotel rooms on his tour to support the album “The Pretender.” To this day, I still wish I could have been part of that experience, such that it was in the free wheeling non repressive rock era of the 70’s. Of course I know that it’s impossible what with the reality of time and space, but where Jackson agonized over being rootless, I always was drawn to it. Maybe it’s because I never thought I was cut out for settling down. I tried in Toronto, thinking it could be the one place it could happen, but I realize it’s not for me. These days I feel like Shirley Valentine in the sense that she went from thinking she was too old to embrace a new life to the perspective that she’s younger than she thinks she is. From the outside eyes it may look as though I’m running from life, but really, it’s the opposite.

There’s a great track from the Steve Allen/Jack Kerouac album where he talks about writing “On the Road” and his words mean more to me now than when I was a clueless twenty year old.

Come on, boy
Go thou across the ground
Go moan for man
Go moan, Go groan, Go groan, alone
Go roll your bones, alone
Go thou and be little beneath my sight
Go thou and be my newest seed in the pod
And this world will report you well and truly

I don’t care what you say, Truman. That’s not just typing.